Ramblings

So we broke up on Monday. I'm still trying to get used to the idea. I'm trying to think positively but it's hard when your heart is numb. I've already been hit on and asked out. One guy even tried to talk dirty with me via computer. And that was all yesterday. Come on...It's only been hours since it was officially over. It was mutual, well sort of. I wasn't getting treated the way I want to be treated by a bf so there in lies my desire for breaking up. But he was treating me the way he was because he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. I still want to be friends with him. It's not like we don't get along we just aren't a good match romantically. Right now at least.

One of my friends told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do and for reasons not to get into right now. The gist is that I used to bottle up all my feelings and they would burst out in a fiery. Not a pretty sight. Well, being as emotional as I am now is hard for anyone to handle.I need to fix this but I don't really know how.

Well, time to get off the computer.Not sure what tonight brings...Laundry? clean house? cook? nap? go out? we shall see.

Still no word

I still haven't heard from the bf about dinner. And to make things worse one of the girls I told he was ignoring me made a post on his fb that really makes me look bad. I never asked anyone to step in. Nor did I think anyone would.

Vtines Day

So it's valentine's day and I did get a "Happy valentine" from my bf. I was waiting for him to ask me to dinner but I'm too impatient so I asked him and I haven't gotten a response.

Unfortunately I'm the type of girl that does everything in excess. I can't drink alcohol cuz I drink til I'm drunk then I would get behind the wheel; put food in front of me, I'll eat it; offer me a cigarette and I'll smoke it. I'm sure you get the point.

Well, I want to text my bf again.Ask him why he hasn't answered me.Hound him into answering me. I know he's been on fb since I've asked him so what gives? I don't get why he ignores me. He says he doesn't want to break up. But he treats me like a toy. Plays with me when he wants and leaves me to the side and ignores me the rest of the time.

My good friends tell me he doesn't want to be with me but wants me to do the breaking up. Am I ready to let him go? I really don't know. It kinda depends on what happens today. If nothing happens then the decision should be easy, right? But what if... That keeps playing in my mind.

We know we are on two different pages right now and that things aren't as either of us would like them.Why be with a guy that doesn't spend time with me? I really like him as a person just not his boyfriend skills. And if I let him go will I find another him?

I used to think I wouldn't find anyone like my ex but then I realized it wasn't my ex that I wanted it was the ideal of him that I wanted. Is this the same situation? Am I afraid of being without a boyfriend or being without my boyfriend. I think it's a little bit of both.

My world revolves around my relationships with people. If everything is good I'm good. When I think something is bad with one of them, I'm bad. It consumes my mind. I wonder if everything was fine with all my relationships if I would be at ease.

I seem to want too much and expect too much from people especially my boyfriends. Friends would disagree with me, saying he's the problem not me but they don't know how I am in a relationship like that. I'm trying to change that but I think it's who I am. Embrace it or get out!

So,what will tonight bring? Dinner with my bf or laundry and an oil change?